juxtapose – a game of tearing up to keep ourselves together

We think we know what love feels like but we don’t know what love is.

I know what desire and longing are, how they entwine together around your neck. I know what it feels like to miss someone but sometimes it feels the same as missing a piece of furniture you got used to falling into after a long day at work. Best of all, I know what heartbreak is, especially heartbreak brought on by self-destruction and the ever-hanging feeling of grey matter telling me I am not good enough.

I have many men in the pages of my journals and while I think of some of them fondly, being fond is not the same as love. My thinking is black and white and this is challenging when trying to define and assess what is and isn’t love. One minute it is and it might kill you if you can’t have it. Then one minute it isn’t and never was. [Insert reasons why you were being an idiot. Blame yourself for being “soft and naive.”]

And if it isn’t sticking then it wasn’t love, right? I have no idea.

I try to define love in the “now.” It is comfort and stability but I am chaos. It is hard for me to love stability when chaos is what I want and what raised me.

Trying to love in the great “NOW” though can me up too.

NanoWrimo – Day 6 – 2109 words – memoir ish

The first time I realized I might be on the brink of batshit crazy? I’m not sure. There have been a lot of times in this lifetime where I was in some situation, with some emotion surrounding me like a hand holding a match taunting a puddle of gasoline. I’m not crazy but here are my experiences. Paranormal or just fucked up, writing is writing.

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Nanorimo – Day 4 – 160 words – unfinished

The 1st of November was the day he confessed that he had cancer. He played it off, he played it down well.

I broke my heart for him many times before but this almost turned me into dust and then I went to see him three days later. He called his hospital room a party room. He couldn’t move his right arm, the cancer had spread. He didn’t warn me, my knees knew nothing except to buckle.

The doctor interrupted, thank God, the doctor interrupted and I had to leave the room for a minute so the doctor could tell him his options or life expectancy, or something only doctors will tell you because doctors see many people die.

I have never seen anyone die. I thought about his arms, the word “WISDOM” on his left forearm and the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse on his right arm, the horseman that was death was never finished. The universe is strange.

Nanowrimo – Day 2: The beginning – 1911 words

 

I don’t know how to say this. It was a Friday, there was a payphone, and I missed a call. Instinct told me if I answered it’s second attempt that it was going to be a disaster. I didn’t know what kind of disaster, I just figured that my intuition was telling me that I’d get caught up in a dull conversation with a telemarketer.
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Nanowrimo – Day 1: Poem 2 – 100 words

He killed me but am I dead?   I am outside of my body because it’s filthy in there.  It may not be if someone has broken in, to be kind, and made me clean again, given my indigo skies again.  The only thing dead at this hour are leaves that have fallen from the desert trees.  The trees are as naked as I was, we all stand exposed and still alone.  I will not dance in this condition; I have so many mirrors in the place of stars.  In every one of them there you are too.  Am I dead?